Owen Dean (Post 1)

Wow more than two years since my last post. Very successful blog... oops. How do people keep it up?

I'm writing this post without even making it public right now. People say that writing or keeping a journal helps during grief, so here I go.

May 31st, 2014. positive pregnancy test! We were thrilled. It was our first month of trying, so I was shocked to get a positive test right away. I woke up Jesse at 5am and gave him the good news. We hugged and kissed and day dreamed about the future with our baby. That morning I went to yoga with my sister and was so excited to share the news with her too. We then went garage sale shopping with my mom, who of course start looking for fun baby items for me. I was on cloud nine!

Anxious for my first OB appointment, I called my doctor right away. At 6 weeks and 5 days along, we saw our sweet baby for the first time during our first ultrasound. We saw the heart beating away. We then saw a large cyst on my ovary. This brought instant fear because the doctor was concerned about the possibility of the cyst bursting which could have caused problems with the pregnancy. We just had to wait and see what happened-not easy! This led to two more ultrasounds. We saw a healthy baby, and the cyst (which ended up being 6 inches)!

At 14 weeks, we saw our baby moving around via ultrasound and again saw the precious heart beating. By this point I had an MRI which confirmed the need for surgery to remove the cyst because the doctors weren't sure if it was benign or malignant. Surgery was set for a few weeks away since the 2nd trimester is the safest time for surgery. When we found out the seriousness of the cyst, we were terrified. The worst thoughts flew through my mind, like dying of cancer and leaving Jesse alone with our baby.

August 30th started like any other Saturday. We went about our day as normal. I just got back from the grocery store and started feeling weird. I felt pain for about 20 minutes. I was laying in bed because the pain got worse and worse. I stood up and realized I was delivering our baby. I saw our precious, tiny baby in my hand. Jesse and I cried the most sorrow-filled tears together on the bathroom floor. All our dreams of having a life time with our child came to a sudden and devastating end. I remember wanting my life to end as I screamed and cried out in agony.

Eventually, out of fear of hemorrhaging, we went to the emergency room. There we held our Sweet baby boy, Owen Dean, for hours. He was 5 inches long and fit in the palm of my hand. My family came with us and we soaked in every minute holding Owen together. It was so surreal. No one ever imagines that they will be leaving the hospital without their baby. We took pictures together but I still haven't been able to look at the photos over a year later. Every night I sleep with the blanket we held him in. One day I hope to wrap Owen's brother or sister in this blanket.

I still had to go on with the surgery to remove the cyst. That went as smoothly as it could have. The cyst was not cancerous and pathology confirmed that no further action was needed. It turned out that because of the type of cyst it was that I had probably had it since I was a child due to size and how slow growing the type of cyst was. It was very difficult to try to heal both physically and emotionally. The surgery ended up being open (rather than laparoscopic) and left with about a 4" incision held together with staples-it was pretty ;)

We grieved the best we could, and are still grieving. I can confidentially say that the only reason I'm able to wake up and function after loss like this is because of Jesus and the people he has put in our lives and of course, my sweet husband! I've learned some things about myself during this process. First, I suck at grieving. I'm not sure that anyone does it well but I've figured out that I'm not good at identifying how I'm feeling. For months when people asked, "how are you doing?" I honestly couldn't answer. I would either say,  "I don't know", "okay", "shitty", or something along those lines. I'm very thankful for the friends I have. My Ohio friends have been so patient with me during this last year and a half. And my Oregon friends were so kind when I didn't answer or return phone calls and didn't have the energy to talk. Several friends and family members supported us through cards, stopping by, cleaning, and  prepared meals which made the days so much easier! It was such a blessing!

Some days were okay and some days were terrible. Honestly, that still holds true over a year later but I know that Jesus will continue to carry us through our grief and reveal more of Himself to us.