Friday, January 29, 2016

Home Study Part 1

Our home study process has begun! We're on part 1 out of 3 of this process. We are gathering documents, writing a will, getting physicals and background checks, and many other things. We even had a fire inspection of our house-we passed ;)

The last thing we have to do is wait for all our references and background check to come back. We should be ready to start part 2 of the home study in a couple weeks!! :) :) :)

Part 2 is interviews with our case worker. She will come to our house a few times to have conversations about many, I'm sure, intrusive things. Haha. But we're ready for all those questions and so excited to get to that part! I think it'll make it feel even more real.

We're so grateful for all of the encouragement, hugs, prayers and financial support!!! We can't say thank you enough!

We'll make sure to get everyone updated as things progress.

Here's my file folder that I use to keep all of our paperwork in order... There's a lot of it!!

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Gratitude

In less than 24 hours of creating our gofundme account we have received $1,520! We are so thankful for the donations, support, prayer, and the sharing of our story by all of you! It's exciting to see the progress! Thank you, Jesus! And THANK YOU to all of you!

Here's a link to our account. 100% of donations will go towards the adoption of our *future* baby! :)
https://www.gofundme.com/jesselaurenjensen

Love, Jesse and Lauren

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Bethany Christian Services (Post 8)

If this is the first post you're reading, scroll down to the post titled "Owen Dean (Post 1)"...


This week we went to our first meeting with Bethany Christian Services, the agency we chose to work with for our *hopeful* adoption. The meeting was an information meeting and the first step in adoption. It was very helpful and encouraging. While Jesse and I were there we were able to get all of our questions answers and left feeling hopeful.

Bethany's mission is to "demonstrate the love and compassion of Jesus Christ by protecting and enhancing the lives of children and families through quality social services". As we listened to the two women explain the history of the company and their perspective of adoption, we got the sense that they really are talking about the love of Jesus.

They care about the adoptive families AND the birth moms! Both sides receive a great deal of support throughout the entire process and even after the adoption is complete. The case workers have a heart for the people involved and are their advocates. That is a GREAT feeling!

The next step is to complete the Ohio adoption application, which we hope to do soon. We shared all the details of the meeting with some family and friends and asked for prayer. We want to be obedient to God's will and His timing. This is what we need prayer for right now. We're thankful that God has given us such great support!

Exciting conversations (Post 7)

I knew that I was fully on board with adoption and excited about it. It's a lot to think about and it's a big decision! I wasn't exactly sure how Jesse felt about the idea though. We had talked about it several times before now but it felt very hypothetical.

Last night we had a serious conversation about moving forward with adoption. It was so great! I went to bed feeling almost too excited to sleep. We both shared our thoughts and feeling about adopting and we were 100% on the same page. That felt like a provision from the Lord because Jesse and I both came to the same conclusion- WE WANT TO ADOPT!

It's still scary and overwhelming, but honestly it's more exciting than anything! It's the plan to take the first step in January or February, which is an informational meeting. Then we'll officially apply to be adoptive parents :)

Asking for God's leading (Post 6)

I've always been open to adoption. As a child I decided on my own to sponsor a child. I got my first job when I was 15. With some of the money I earned, I helped a boy in Guatemala. I loved seeing his pictures and reading about how his life was helped through sponsorship. Every year at Christmas I loved to fill a shoe box with treats and supplies and sent it to children who needed them. (Read more about the program here... http://www.samaritanspurse.org/what-we-do/operation-christmas-child/ )

I always imagined myself having biological and adopted children. So for me, the idea of adoption is exciting. It's also scary. The challenging part about it is allowing myself to be vulnerable.

Jesse and I both agreed that we want to see if God wants to grow our family through adoption. We want to live where our trust is without borders! We are taking a step of faith and starting the journey of adoption.

Will you pray with us? Pray that God would make His plan for us clear! Pray for us to be bold and rely on Him! There are a lot of logistics to work out but we know that God is a big God! I've seen Him provide for Jesse and I in many ways! If this is His will for our life, it WILL happen! Pray that we can be confident in this and TRUST Him!


Songs and trust (Post 5)

I love the song Oceans by Hillsong. After losing Owen we listened to it constantly. Hear it for yourself here... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw


For months after hearing this song I thought about what the song meant to me. I prayed to God to give me the ability to go to Him. I'm so thankful that when we're weak, Jesus is there for us.... But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9. I must admit, part of my weakness is disbelief. Do I really believe that God has my back? Will He really provide good things for Jesse and I?


Throughout this past year and a half, I haven't doubted God's existence or His ability to make good of things. But I have felt WEAK! I've felt like a wet paper bag trudging my way through life. What helps is being confident that Jesus is holding our sweet babies right now. He loves them perfectly and we will one day hold them in our arms. Because Jesus died on the cross for my sins, I am offered forgiveness and eternity in Heaven with Him. We all are offered that. I can remember making the decision as a child to ask Jesus for His death to count for me. Salvation is simple. Jesus offers us a free gift and all we have to do it accept it.


Jesus is good, even if this world isn't. He doesn't create pain and sorrow. Our world is broken and that's why we need Him! Jesus didn't chose for our babies to die. I don't have the answers to my questions... I don't know why we aren't able to have our two babies on Earth with us now. But I do know that we will have eternity to love, hold, kiss and adore them!

After our second miscarriage I got another tattoo. I've found that my two tattoos have brought me some level of healing. My tattoo is a lyric from the song I spoke of above... "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders". It reminds me that I can ask Jesus for his help!! I can trust Him in a BIG way!  

Ultrasounds and more heart break (Post 4)

The day had come for us to see our baby. At 9 weeks and 1 day we saw a perfect, beautiful heart beat. Everything was perfect. The doctor told us that our chance of miscarriage was very low since we saw a good heartbeat. I thought, "don't tell me that. We saw Owen's heartbeat 3 times before losing him". I knew nothing was guaranteed, although seeing the heartbeat did bring some sense of security.

A week later I was at work and feeling weird. I was terrified. I thought about trying to ignore it and tried to convince myself that everything was fine. I came home from work and still felt like something was wrong. Luckily, Jesse wasn't working that day. We went to see the doctor. The waiting was torture. The nurse checked us in and did an abdominal check to find the baby's heart beat. We felt instant relief when we heard, what we thought, was the heartbeat. The doctor came in and checked me and said that my cervix felt closed and normal-also good news since we don't know if I had an incompetent cervix with Owen and I was worried about pre-term labor again. We did an ultrasound just to be safe. We saw the baby on the monitor and I realized right away that there wasn't a hear beat. The doctor was silent for awhile, then said "didn't the nurse pick up the heart beat externally?" I said, "we thought she did". The baby was measuring a week behind and there was definitely no heart beat. What we heard before was apparently blood flow from the placenta.

I was instantly angry. I didn't cry right away. I. WAS. ANGRY. I didn't know how to respond. The doctor told us how sorry she was and hugged me. I remember telling her, "I just knew something was wrong". She responded by saying, "that's because you are the mommy". I knew that wasn't meant to be hurtful but on some level it was. While I know that we have two precious babies in Heaven, and that does make me a mommy, but it still hurt. I wanted to hold our baby and kiss his or her cheeks every day.

Devastation again.


Another try (Post 3)

We decided we were ready to try to conceive again. It was very emotional and scary to think about getting pregnant again. What if we miscarried again? The fear was almost debilitating. I had been going to counseling, which helped but fear is tough.

The months went on and negative test kept coming. When we conceived Owen it happened so quickly and I assumed it would be easy the second time. I was wrong. Taking and tracking my temperature, ovulation tests, calendars, as so on.... We tried 3 months of clomid and even saw a reproductive specialist. He told us to wait 2-3 more months to conceive naturally.

Well, the two lines finally came on September 4th. Instant excitement and definitely some fear. I went to Target and got another test just to make sure. I also bought a onesie to give Jesse as a gift to tell him that we were pregnant. After months and months of being disappointed, I was so eager to tell him the good news! I setup the iPad and recorded Jesse opening the gift. We cried together and hugged for a long time. As Jesse held me I could feel tension from my body. We were scared but we wanted to be happy and excited. And for a few weeks, we were. We chose to be happy and trust that Jesus would carry us through regardless of the outcome.

Going back to work (Post 2)

I took about 5 weeks off work after we lost Owen. Physically, I was feeling okay considering I was 4 weeks out from major abdominal surgery. My energy was limited but I could make it through the day. I could have taken more time off but I decided that being busy during the day would be helpful. I was blessed to have close friends at my school that helped me through the day when I needed a break from my students to fall apart in the bathroom and get myself back together again. It was good to see them and it was good to be busy, but wow was it TOUGH! I felt like a shell of myself and didn't know how I could possible meet the needs of all of my students when I could barely make it through the day myself. Again, God provided for my needs!

At this point, Jesse had started in a new position at work as a full-time package car driver. That was a provision from the Lord because it provided for our financial needs, especially since I didn't have much sick time to use while I was out from work. Speaking of financial provision, one week during my recovery we were a little short on money for a couple bills. The total amount was about $135. To my amazement, I checked the mail and had received a check from short-term disability. And guess what... the check amount was EXACTLY, down to the dollar, what we needed for our bills that we didn't know how we were going to pay. Talk about Jesus providing for our needs!

After lost of tests, we still didn't have answers. That was frustrating and really hard do handle. We hoped to have an explanation for both closure and to help make a plan for future pregnancies.

We kept verses posted around the house... a couple favorites were (and are)...

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11


A few months after losing Owen we decided that we wanted to honor him through tattoos. We love them. I love being able to see his name each day.

Our tattoos have helped to bring some healing 
Jeremiah 29:11 

Here is Owen's ultrasound pictures at 6, 10 and 14 weeks.
The picture of us is the day Jesse got his tattoo. 

Owen Dean (Post 1)

Wow more than two years since my last post. Very successful blog... oops. How do people keep it up?

I'm writing this post without even making it public right now. People say that writing or keeping a journal helps during grief, so here I go.

May 31st, 2014. positive pregnancy test! We were thrilled. It was our first month of trying, so I was shocked to get a positive test right away. I woke up Jesse at 5am and gave him the good news. We hugged and kissed and day dreamed about the future with our baby. That morning I went to yoga with my sister and was so excited to share the news with her too. We then went garage sale shopping with my mom, who of course start looking for fun baby items for me. I was on cloud nine!

Anxious for my first OB appointment, I called my doctor right away. At 6 weeks and 5 days along, we saw our sweet baby for the first time during our first ultrasound. We saw the heart beating away. We then saw a large cyst on my ovary. This brought instant fear because the doctor was concerned about the possibility of the cyst bursting which could have caused problems with the pregnancy. We just had to wait and see what happened-not easy! This led to two more ultrasounds. We saw a healthy baby, and the cyst (which ended up being 6 inches)!

At 14 weeks, we saw our baby moving around via ultrasound and again saw the precious heart beating. By this point I had an MRI which confirmed the need for surgery to remove the cyst because the doctors weren't sure if it was benign or malignant. Surgery was set for a few weeks away since the 2nd trimester is the safest time for surgery. When we found out the seriousness of the cyst, we were terrified. The worst thoughts flew through my mind, like dying of cancer and leaving Jesse alone with our baby.

August 30th started like any other Saturday. We went about our day as normal. I just got back from the grocery store and started feeling weird. I felt pain for about 20 minutes. I was laying in bed because the pain got worse and worse. I stood up and realized I was delivering our baby. I saw our precious, tiny baby in my hand. Jesse and I cried the most sorrow-filled tears together on the bathroom floor. All our dreams of having a life time with our child came to a sudden and devastating end. I remember wanting my life to end as I screamed and cried out in agony.

Eventually, out of fear of hemorrhaging, we went to the emergency room. There we held our Sweet baby boy, Owen Dean, for hours. He was 5 inches long and fit in the palm of my hand. My family came with us and we soaked in every minute holding Owen together. It was so surreal. No one ever imagines that they will be leaving the hospital without their baby. We took pictures together but I still haven't been able to look at the photos over a year later. Every night I sleep with the blanket we held him in. One day I hope to wrap Owen's brother or sister in this blanket.

I still had to go on with the surgery to remove the cyst. That went as smoothly as it could have. The cyst was not cancerous and pathology confirmed that no further action was needed. It turned out that because of the type of cyst it was that I had probably had it since I was a child due to size and how slow growing the type of cyst was. It was very difficult to try to heal both physically and emotionally. The surgery ended up being open (rather than laparoscopic) and left with about a 4" incision held together with staples-it was pretty ;)

We grieved the best we could, and are still grieving. I can confidentially say that the only reason I'm able to wake up and function after loss like this is because of Jesus and the people he has put in our lives and of course, my sweet husband! I've learned some things about myself during this process. First, I suck at grieving. I'm not sure that anyone does it well but I've figured out that I'm not good at identifying how I'm feeling. For months when people asked, "how are you doing?" I honestly couldn't answer. I would either say,  "I don't know", "okay", "shitty", or something along those lines. I'm very thankful for the friends I have. My Ohio friends have been so patient with me during this last year and a half. And my Oregon friends were so kind when I didn't answer or return phone calls and didn't have the energy to talk. Several friends and family members supported us through cards, stopping by, cleaning, and  prepared meals which made the days so much easier! It was such a blessing!

Some days were okay and some days were terrible. Honestly, that still holds true over a year later but I know that Jesus will continue to carry us through our grief and reveal more of Himself to us.