The day had come for us to see our baby. At 9 weeks and 1 day we saw a perfect, beautiful heart beat. Everything was perfect. The doctor told us that our chance of miscarriage was very low since we saw a good heartbeat. I thought, "don't tell me that. We saw Owen's heartbeat 3 times before losing him". I knew nothing was guaranteed, although seeing the heartbeat did bring some sense of security.
A week later I was at work and feeling weird. I was terrified. I thought about trying to ignore it and tried to convince myself that everything was fine. I came home from work and still felt like something was wrong. Luckily, Jesse wasn't working that day. We went to see the doctor. The waiting was torture. The nurse checked us in and did an abdominal check to find the baby's heart beat. We felt instant relief when we heard, what we thought, was the heartbeat. The doctor came in and checked me and said that my cervix felt closed and normal-also good news since we don't know if I had an incompetent cervix with Owen and I was worried about pre-term labor again. We did an ultrasound just to be safe. We saw the baby on the monitor and I realized right away that there wasn't a hear beat. The doctor was silent for awhile, then said "didn't the nurse pick up the heart beat externally?" I said, "we thought she did". The baby was measuring a week behind and there was definitely no heart beat. What we heard before was apparently blood flow from the placenta.
I was instantly angry. I didn't cry right away. I. WAS. ANGRY. I didn't know how to respond. The doctor told us how sorry she was and hugged me. I remember telling her, "I just knew something was wrong". She responded by saying, "that's because you are the mommy". I knew that wasn't meant to be hurtful but on some level it was. While I know that we have two precious babies in Heaven, and that does make me a mommy, but it still hurt. I wanted to hold our baby and kiss his or her cheeks every day.
Devastation again.
No comments:
Post a Comment